THE FLOOD OF 2011

What should we do?

Well, as you've probably heard by now, the Ol' Missouri River is swelling up faster than me at a Lego convention. That really didn't make sense but I think you know what I'm getting at. 

At this point the river isn't really a river anymore -- it's more of a long lake. 
A long lake filled with sewage, chemicals, and that weird foam stuff floating atop the water. 

So, what do we do? I mean, instinctively, I would say let's go skinny-dipping. However, after learning that the victims of the horrendous Joplin tornado are now suffering from a flesh-eating fungus, I would advise against swimming in the Missouri River. I mean tornados I can handle, same with sandstorms, blizzards, active volcanoes, quicksand, and most other bizarre happenings. However, I refuse to have anything to do with flesh-eating fungi. I've watched enough TLC and have seen enough episodes of "THE MAN WHO TURNED INTO A TREE" to understand the consequences of dancing with a fungus. 
I'll take the flood, you can have the fungus.

So, with swimming in the river out of the question, what else can we do? 
Fill sandbags.
Personally, I love to fill sandbags. I like to hide little surprises in them and imagine the smile on the face of the person who empties that particular sandbag. The day has been long and annoying and they still have thousands of sandbags to remove. Then, one person, let's say his name is Esteban, comes across my mystery sandbag. 
As Esteban empties the heavy bag of sand into, what I can only imagine would be called "The Sand Pit," he sees a shiny toy car fall at his feet. A smile instantly comes across his face. 
Then, a Chewbacca action figure falls out.
Esteban's smile widens.
Then, a magnum condom falls to the ground.
Esteban is confused by this but still happy.

I think about this scenario at least 20 times a day.

Sandbags will help, but there might not be enough to stop the chemically imbalanced river water. It acidity of the water will most likely eat away everything in its path, anyways.

So, what else?

I propose a solution to our saturation woes:
Sponges.

I'm not talking about normal, everyday sponges, either. I'm talking about complete sponge attire.
A clothing line made of sponges.
Sponge pants.
Sponge shirts.
Sponge socks.
Sponge underwear.

SPONGE EVERYTHING.

This way, whenever it rains, or the city of Omaha is completely swallowed up by water, WE will be perfectly fine. You see, my sponge clothes will simply soak up any excess water.

What do you think?

It's either that or we dump a crazy amount of Sea Monkeys into the Missouri River to soak up the extra water.

However, when you consider the toxicity levels of the Missouri River, I think you could expect an army of giant, mutated, living Sea Monkeys.

Blog of Ben

 

Are you ready?

I’m not.

HAHAHA.

Listen. You and me, we aren’t so different. Sure, I may like to sit down on a sprinkler with the water turned dangerously high up every once and a while, but, hey, that’s life.

BABOON BUTTS

What’s the deal?

Ok, so, we all think about it every time we see a baboon, right? What the heck is up with those red butts? Sometimes it will just pop into my head. A big red baboon butt, that is. And I will ponder the possibilities and explanations, creating a few wild and crazy theories of my own. Like, perhaps the first baboon ever created sat down on a griddle?

What we know:

Baboon butts are not red because they are irritated. Initially, this is what I thought -- that irritation was to blame. I thought that these poor baboons were out working so hard in the fields, sweating profusely, and then scratching their behinds – do to the profuse sweating – causing them to redden with irritation.

However, science tells us that red is merely the pigment color that is in their buttocks. It is also fairly calloused, if you were wondering.

If I had a nickel for every calloused butt I came across.

 I’d have 35 cents.

 

Also, baboon butts are red for sexual purposes.

 I know, I know, we’ve all heard that before.

When a female is in heat, her red butt will swell so the male knows that she is ready to mate.

I wish it were that simple for humans. Though, I have come across a few ladies with quite the swollen tush.

END OF WHAT WE KNOW.

 

So, those are the facts. Backed up by myths. I still say we’re missing something, though. It just can’t be that simple.

 I mean, how embarrassing for those poor baboons. They’re the only primates to have bright red bottoms. Can you imagine the hysteria when Lucy the Chimpanzee brings home Alfred the Baboon? Her parents would go ape…crazy.

“How dare you bring that red-bottom into this nest!”

Would be a typical reaction.

So, what can we do? Sit idly by on our normal colored tookuses while thousands of baboons suffer?  

I don’t know. I’m tired of talking about it.

Click Here

Tired of the same old BORING potato salad?

I KNOW I AM!

HERE’S THE RECIPE:

2 FULL potatoes

½ Cup of Flour

3 Tablespoons of Jelly Beans

¼ Cup of Hot Sauce

3 Eyeballs

9 Cups of Unicorn Blood

½ Cup of Corn Syrup

15 Cups of Maple Syrup

3 Dozen Eggs

A koala bear

Try it.

THIS NEXT STORY MAY SEND A RUSH OF BLOOD TO THE HEAD CAUSING AN ANEURYSM.


“This is a heart-wrenching story.”

 – The Balding Eagle 

                                           “I’m not exactly sure what this is about.”

                                                               – Dairy Farms Magazine

"Why are you interviewing me about this?”

                                                -American Quilts Magazine

 

 I cried for seventeen hours when I found out what you’re about to find out. You may want to sit down before reading this. Either way, you probably aren’t safe.

There was an old woman,

Who lived in a shoe;

She had so many children,

She didn’t know what to do.

She gave them some broth,

Without any bread;

She whipped them all soundly,

And sent them to bed.

THE LIES!

I remember lying in bed, dreaming that someday I could, too, live in a shoe. But now I find out that this story is a complete fabrication. An un-truth. Completely made-up. The opposite of a fact. A BOLD-FACED LIE.

It never happened.

There was no old lady who lived in a shoe.

My childhood has been destroyed.

Now that I think about it, this old lady was WAY too crazy to be real! In fact, she was an absolutely horrible person!

First of all, it’s called BIRTH CONTROL. Maybe you should stop having so many dern kids if you’re currently residing in a SHOE!

Second, all you gave them was broth? That’s not very sustaining. Or, tasty.

Third, you whipped them all soundly? Like, “Indiana Jones” whipped? That’s child abuse, little old woman. That’s 100% child abuse.

You should be sent to prison. And tortured with pickles, somehow.