What I Learned This Weekend

Every weekend I seem to learn something new.  I learn things that only experiences of the bizarre can teach you and I am often left wondering why the following Monday at work.  Instead of asking why I have decided today to just blog a few things that I learned this weekend and leave it at that.  Sometimes the best therapy is sharing.

I Learned That…

…Karaoke DJs Are Idiots…

Who in the hell do Karaoke DJ’s think they are?  Up on the table they belt out ‘Cowboy’ by Kid Rock proving they are the real deal since they don’t need to see the lyrics on the 13 inch tv screen like the rest of us.  They sing slow country ballads that were terrible when Kenny Rogers sang them.  Listen, If you’re a DJ reading this saying to yourself, “I am not like that,” here’s a simple test; if you sing more songs than the patrons in the bar, well, you are an idiot.

…That Gays Know How to Get Laid…

Before you jump to the conclusion that I am into pink flamingos and chest hair let me clarify that I am straight and attended a gay bar with my girlfriend.  That probably still isn’t enough proof for you but to be honest I don’t care. Here’s what I learned though…at gay bars they have business cards with blank info on the back for names, phone numbers and email addresses.  Just think about that for a minute.  Why don’t straight bars get with this program?  I certainly wouldn’t have had to spend countless nights dry humping big nasties on the dance floor.  I could have just given them my card.

...That Comedy isn’t just jokes, it’s Telling Jokes…

I like checking out new comedians around town but they just don’t seem to have personality.  Maybe personality comes with experience and practice but I often wonder at shows, “Why should I like you?”   I remember Larry the Cable Guy, when he was Dan Whitney 20 years ago, and a couple jokes that bombed back then are hilarious now simply because he has personality now on stage.  Remember the funny guy in high school?  He may not have zingers like Don Rickles or social observations like George Carlin but it was his personality, his delivery that made everyone love him and laugh along with him.  

That’s Just Creepy

Justin Bieber may look like Ellen Page’s identical twin and may even sound like a 12 year old girl however, DNA testing has confirmed that he is in fact a boy, a 16 year old boy, to be exact.  He is a 16 year old boy dating a 29 year old former porn star known as Kim Kardashian yet somehow that’s not creepy.

Let’s take a moment and reverse the roles here, pretending that Justin Bieber is really a 16 year old girl (hard to do, I know).  Now let’s pretend that this 16 year old girl was photographed on the beach holding hands and sneaking hugs n’ kisses with a 29 year old man who was famous for starring in his homemade pornographic videos…much more creepy now isn’t it?

Why do we have this double standard?  It’s obvious that we like to protect young girls more so than young boys from the pedophile down the street but at what point to we draw a line in the sandy beaches of which Bieber and Kardasian frolic?

Kim Kardasian is lucky she’s not a teacher, or we might actually think this is creepy. 

Matt Tompkins

Why is it cool to be a Twilight Fan?

By Matt Tompkins
Macaroni Noodle Sculpturer 

The 3^rd installment of the Twilight movie series, “Eclipse” is coming out soon and fans, or “Tweekers” as I like to call them, have been camping outside of theaters, waiting in massive lines for tickets and some have gone so far as to create an actual “tent city” with thousands camping out for days in anticipation (anticipation for in the closet werewolves and a pasty pale cannibal). 

Sure we all had something we loved a little too much as a kid, for me it was Star Trek (and yes, I even knew the words to “Hangin’ Tough” by New Kids on the block) but why do this psycho fans of today get a free pass?  Why are they not considered geeks and nerds like we were? 

Why is Twilight cool and Star Trek…well…not?

The over-the-top dedication and borderline obsession is equaled, if not topped by Twilight Tweekers.  The merchandizing is much more laughable (The worst thing I bought was a star trek Frisbee…They have a life size body pillow with Robert Pattinson’s face on it that sells like hot cakes).  They are both science fiction, one set in outer space and the other set in Seattle or something with vampires and werewolves. 

Oh, and don’t let me forget to mention that at least Worf kept his shirt on and didn’t run around in the woods with other topless men (I still can’t figure out why the werewolves of twilight run around together half naked.  A ‘fan’ once explained that it was due to  their clothing ripping off when they ‘transformed’ but if that is correct why do they wear pants?  Though I am glad they do at least wear pants).

There are so many similarities with Twilight and Star Trek however, today being a Twilight fan is much more acceptable than back when I was a Trekkie.  I was considered a nerd in the 7^th grade and I certainly didn’t get any chicks as a devoted trekkie.  But today pale, pasty and thin with an appetite for blood is somehow the new sex appeal and if you dress like a zombie you drastically increase your chances of getting laid, to put it simply (or at least invited to Amanda Fluffernutt’s house parties).

Werewolves and Vampires aren’t even that cool to begin with, I mean they are cannables for Pete’s sake (or anyone’s sake for that matter)!  Werewolves eat live chickens in their spare time…LIVE CHICKENS PEOPLE!  Imagine making out with Taylor Lautner with the fresh taste of raw meat, blood and salmonella on your tongue (and don’t even get me started on the fleas they carry).  
 

Perhaps I am getting too old to understand, perhaps I just don’t get it, but then again perhaps I am right and Twilight Psycho fans are just that…psycho. 

Matt Tompkins
Writer/Contributor/JCPenney Swimsuit Model

Party of One

Due to circumstance or personal choice, I’ve found myself at countless bars and events all by myself. True, I may run into friends or acquaintances with whom I’ll exchange a few brief pleasantries while shifting my weight back and forth. But I am occasionally undeniably and unquestionably a Party of One.

Which leads to unique questions: How should one behave when they are solo? Are there rules to follow? And what rules should be broken?

In my experiences I have learned a few tricks to get through the occasional awkward moments as a Party of One, and I hope my five suggestions help you the next time you’re ditched by friends on a Friday night or just prefer an evening to yourself.

Rule #1: Remember that you are in control of your entire evening. There are many times where I’ve been dragged to awful concerts or boring bars and wished to the libation gods that I had driven myself. When you attend a show or visit your favorite watering hole alone, you can stay as long as you like – or leave just as soon as you arrive. Survey the room, grab a cocktail, send a few text messages and update your Facebook status. If this place is lame, head for the door, no questions asked.

Rule #2: A trip to the bathroom can be a lifesaver. If I arrive solo with time to kill before a concert starts, I’ll often make a few trips to the bathroom. Now, I’m not using the facilities each time I go. I may just pop in there to freshen my lip gloss or wash my hands. Regardless of the reason, I’m on the move. I’m surveying the scene and continually in a state of action before picking the perfect spot to spend the next part of my evening.

Rule #3: Upon first arrival, ALWAYS order something to drink. It doesn’t need to be an adult beverage, but belly up to the bar and grab something to wet your whistle. Doing so always helps me calm the nerves I occasionally have walking into a new (or familiar) setting all by my lonesome. I’m forced to make light conversation with the bartender or people near me waiting in line.

Rule #4: Your cell phone can be your best friend. It may sound cliché these days, but the eyes of countless individuals and groups of friends out together are often buried in their glowing cell phone screens. I often have issues when this happens among a group of people. If you’re texting someone else, why even spend time with those around you? But if you are alone, a cell phone task can be a great way to divert attention and avoid wayward glances from creepy strangers across the room. Just don’t make it a habit when you’re by yourself. Part of the pleasure of being “out” alone is the sights and sounds you can experience. Forget your attention being diverted by the lame guy discussing the chick he took home last night; savor what’s new around you right now.

Rule #5: Everything is copy. Author Nora Ephron’s mother used this nugget of knowledge for years, and I couldn’t agree more. Regardless of the type of experience you have on a Friday or Saturday night, it can always be turned into a great story: a hilarious blog posting, a clever tweet or Facebook status update. Remember that while the experience is temporary, the memory and details can last a lifetime – and make for one hell of a story.


Wendy Townley
Author of "Nerdy Thirty"
www.nerdythirty.com