Two men were having dinner together one evening, when one of them clutched his chest tightly, screamed in agony, and slid out of his chair to the floor!

  The other friend ran to his side, and screamed, "Is there a doctor in the house?".

  In seconds, an elderly man ran to his side, and said, "It's okay, sir, I'm a doctor."

  The friend said, "Wait a minute: if you're a doctor, where's your bag?".

  The guy held up one finger and said, "I'm a proctologist...I've got everything I need right here!".

Bill and his wife went out for their anniversary dinner, and as they were waiting for their food, Bill looked into her eyes and said, "Happy anniversary, dear! What can I get you for your anniversary? A diamond necklace?...A new ring?...Some shoes?".

His wife got very serious, and said, "Bill, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'd like a divorce."

Bill looked right back at her and said, "Well, I wasn't planning on spending that much!".